It’s no shock to most of my readers that I care about the environment. I love baby seals, pandas, and -most of all- adorable amphibians. There’s nothing that turns me on more than the feeling of an Allegheny Mountain dusky salamander, as its four slimy legs move up and down my naked back.
Well today, ladies and gentlemen, I partook in a small cleanup effort on Irondequoit bay here in NY, and it gave me plenty of personal time to reconsider how genuine my love for the environment is. As we walked around, we picked up over 450 cigarette butts (not even 2% of the total), plastic bags, Styrofoam cups, beer bottles, hair clips, combs, and even a pink flamingo.
What an eye-opening event. It made me sad- so sad. All of that garbage, tucked in between rocks and branches, buried beneath the sand. Plastic six-pack rings that come around sodas and beer. Paper bags, ladies "hygiene" pads (Hygiene is not having periods in the first place, ladies. Seriously, it's disgusting. You just do it for the attention, and I won't give it to you.), fast food bags, candy wrappers...
I was heartbroken, because I was picking up all of this garbage and throwing it into a landfill, where it would go to little use if any. This was not garbage anymore, it was habitat for animals, a food source, and a vital part of their ecosystem. I was an unwelcome visitor, tearing animals from their life and home.
You see, when we throw garbage into a landfill, we can't enjoy the new array of colors it brings to the world. Who doesn't love going to the beach and watching the sunlight reflect off of the blues, the reds, the greens and yellows in the sand. Some may be from broken glass, and some from plastic shards, but both are equal in their beauty. But so called environmentalists want to segregate them- put them in numbered bins- with "labels"- all to perpetuate the negative stereotypes about litter.
The animals are distraught, unable to live without our empty beer bottles- a vital home for the once plenteous North Atlantic Butter-squash beetle, which depended on the specific brand of Budweiser beer bottles to survive. Lovers of the beetle came to it's rescue, pouring ever more bottles into their ecosystems, with desperate hope of saving them. Unfortunately, despite these restoration and conservation efforts, the beetle has become extinct. Stories like the one of the North Atlantic Butter-squash beetle are not scarce- more and more examples are being shared around the world.
After the big recycling boom of the late 90's we see an even sharper decline in ecosystem health. Biodiversity dies while environmentalists propagate their agenda, going out on raids and pulling tires from lakes and taking used motor oil to "recycling" centers. The irony is perfect, a man made attempt to "recycle" continues to wreak havoc on the Earth, because the environmentalists ignore Mother Nature's beautiful cycling capabilities. Humans are tampering with what should be left alone- the natural cycle of garbage.
I have since decided to take matters into my own hands, because it has become increasingly apparent that the environmentalists have poisoned the media- pumping liberal messages into their biased "news" segments when they should be pumping oil directly into rivers.
For example, I hate smoking, but I love seagulls. (I don't hate it for health reasons, I hate it because it causes me to spend less money on pornography and chewing gum.) Naturally, my love for the seagulls which populate Rochester's great lake region has caused me to take up smoking once again. I'm up to two packs a day- that's a total of 40 cigarette butts, which my seagull friends feast on in delight. As novelties like "nicotine gum," "nicotine patches," and even smokless cigarettes make their way into our lives, the Seagulls suffer. There were less Seagulls documented this year than any other, at a time when smoking popularity has reached an all-time low. I plead for these so-called "doctors" and "Federal Departments of Lies" to return to a pro-smoking view- if they care about the health of my Seagulls.
Other things I started doing are using bleach when I do laundry, and switching to all phosphate detergents (I have to import these from other countries, which have more environmentally friendly laws- Remember, when it comes to environmental legislation- use the easy to remember philosophy: "Loose as a goose will save your geese!"). This also seems to have the secondary benefit of whitening my whites. Who would have guessed that helping the environment could help you, too!
The main thing I do is throw garbage directly from my windows- at home, in the car, at school, in church. There is a whole "window" full of opportunities. Ha ha. I also pee in the shower. I'm not sure if this will help the environment, but it can't hurt to try.
If you care about the environment, please take heed to this call. Environmentalism isn't what they teach you in school, with books, education, and "science." Environmentalism isn't something you can find from a poster on a wall telling you to "recycle"- it is something you can find on a whole box of posters strewn about an estuary. It is something you can find everyday in your life. All you have to do is absolutely nothing- don't use trash receptacles, don't turn your lights off, don't close windows when the AC is on full-blast. If you love Mother Nature, give her the gift every child should give to his or her mother- something crappy that you made all by yourself- a mess that she can hang on her fridge in pride.
