Free Writing

The purpose of free writing is to get all the shit out of your head so you can actually start writing. I wrote the following list without the intention of anyone finding it, but after reading it, it was clearly some deeply fucked up shit.

Look deeply into this for any sort of meaning, and you will probably find it. Because you find what you are looking for. Which is why English is a fuck-job, and no one should tell anyone how to interpret something. So fuck you, Writing teacher, for giving me an 85% on my last essay.

That essay gave birth to your mother, you asshole. It was more pure than the virgin mary, who clearly fucked someone or something. But that's enough blasphemy for one day. I can already see it now, Jesus waiting at the pearly gates with an essay about why I am going to Hell.

And I'll say the same thing to him that my english teacher just said to me: You didn't use MLA formatting. Who the fuck cares if it's MLA formatting or not? Who even knows what that fucking stands for. Go to hell if you even try to tell me.

Anyway, the point I'm getting at is that the only meaning that came from any of this shit is the last three lines. When I finally pushed all the crap out, the truth came as freely as immigrants across the Mexican border.

And here it is; THE FREE WRITING:

Addiction killed my puppy.

Religion kills babies.

Animals are people too.

Sharks stole my bike.

The Lakers gang raped an ostrich.

Fourteen carrots wiped my ass.

I ran out of newspaper so I read the floor.

Eating is the new sleeping.

The brain was made to scream.

My eye is bulging from the cocaine.

I tried to smile but I swallowed the hook.

Crying burns calories.

Pasta shaped into O’s shanked my mother.

I broke out of prison in time for my party.

I took the city for a walk.

Words are useful when describing stories.

Fried peas drove me to work.

I liked the sample platter.

Hacking is my face.

Why is this so god damned wrong.

Fuck the po lice.

Eat at Bruno’s bakery.

Size is as important as uranium.

Planets are my sex toy.

The man was off of work.

I don’t want to go to school.

Let me sleep in.

Fuck this shit.

Genocide or Something

The definition of “genocide” is strictly, in all forms, the Holocaust. Genocide refers only to those people who are exterminated while being fair-skinned, wealthy, and finding new ways to charge you for having a bank account. Fortunately, seeing as the Holocaust is over and Hitler is now in a South American nursing home, there is no longer any such thing as genocide.

The phenomenon occurring in Africa has been described by one major news station to be genocide, but this comment was officially withdrawn after finding out that the report was written by someone who uses biodegradable soaps and cleaning products. Fortunately, all other news stations have reported that Africa does not exist unless something cool like a pirate attack happens. And in the event that said pirate attack happens, all that needs to be reported about is the American hero who prevails. “I was there man, it’s like, they were pirates.” For eighty nine hours of broadcasting time. Given a one hour news program, the event lasted at least 89 days. This is almost one trimester, 33% of women pregnant at the time of the pirate attack had already given birth to their children, who’s first comments out of the womb were “Thank God I’m an American, because now I know I can beat a pirate any day.”

The ethic cleansing (lather, rinse, repeat) happening in Africa couldn’t be further from genocide. Sure, people are dying in large quantities, but is that enough to call something genocide? When I clean out my refrigerator, only good things can come from it. It prevents mold from accumulating on my baby seal fillets. I don’t eat them, of course- I’m a vegetarian. But Frisky got used to being spoiled, and you can’t fight the look she gets in her eyes when she’s not eating an adorable endangered species. Ah, I remember when I named my daughter Frisky, all the nurses spat on me for some reason, but I think it’s because I work more convenient hours than them.

Anyway, I was talking about something. Oh, right, people that none of us will ever see, nor will we have the chance to see them because of their removal from life. I’m motivated already. I think I’ll write a blog to help them or something. Anyway, these African people are being senselessly slaughtered, raped, and forced into combat against other people. And they don’t get very good cell phone reception, so it’s hard to call for help. Every day is like a living he—

Oh shit, something happened to the economy while I was writing this. I think someone’s points went up, which is good because yesterday they were down, which was bad because they were up further than that the day before, which was before they really went down. Which was bad.

Anyway, for your enjoyment, I will now list various sports teams: The Philadelphia Eagles. The Seattle Seahawks. The Pittsburg Penguins. The Dallas Cowboys. The LA Lakers. The Cleveland Globetrotters. The Red Socks. My Sixth Grade Pre-Olympic Curling Team. The Unusual Brown Spot On my Sheets That Interests Me More Than This.

I have to go now. My excuse Rolodex is empty, so I’m going to have to come up with one on my own. Going to zoo to eat an ice cream cone and make Frisky stop asking me why I ignore her when I drink juice alone in my room.