Scream

Do you ever wonder if you are suddenly, and without warning, going to come down with a case of Tourettes? And for those of you who don’t know what that is, I’m going to stop here and ask you why you’re reading words instead of looking at pictures or coloring on the walls.

In my day, I’d get spanked for writing on the walls. Now that the hippies have done away with any civility, and our world is littered with little “artists” with no respect, I have to pretend to be patient with kids and young adults (can you tell that I’m pretending to be patient?).

Back to the subject at hand: screaming in public for no good reason. Since “good” is rather ambiguous, I should define my standards of when it is appropriate to scream in public:

YES! Scream away!

1. You found out that you have been diagnosed with a terminal disease via text message from your doctor.
2. They played a Lady GaGa song on the radio.
3. You are, or will soon be getting eaten by a Bengal Tiger.
4. The person walking in front of you did not match ANY of their clothes.
5. Someone sneezes on your face.

NO SCREAM ZONE! What are you thinking??

1. Kanye West tells your wife-to-be that she could have done much better during the middle of the wedding ceremony. PUHleeze, Kayne is just saying what we are all thinking, and he can’t be blamed for that.
2. A car ran over your foot. Get over it.
3. Your baby has been stolen. There are TOO many babies in the world, who keeps track of those things? It’s like that biblical story, if it’s really yours you won’t want it- or something like that.
4. You’re in the bathroom. There is never any screaming in the bathroom. No exceptions. (Except for number 4 in the above category. What? You say that number 5 should also be allowed? Make your own damn list then, asshole. NO Exceptions to the Exceptions!!)
5. A person from the state of New York properly signals before crashing into your car in a perfect 90 degree angle. There’s a rule in New York that you should already be aware of, and it’s that as long as you use your turn signal, anything else that you do while driving is legal- including letting your pet llama drive while you climb to the cooler in the back for another beer.

"There is NEVER any screaming

in the bathroom."

Great! Now that you have a general idea about screaming laws (see local laws in your own state and county at www.e.s.a.d.com. (don’t actually click that link, I have no idea where it goes, and I cannot be held responsible for any judgment from the almighty onto your tarnished soul)), I can continue.

Say you are walking down the road at a constant 1 meter per second rate, and the male walrus in front of you is [walking] at a slow, but steady 0.20 meters per second. Now, despite the many books about very slow walruses winning races that have been translated from Walrus to English, and back to Walrus again- this manbeast is not going to win anything short of an eating contest. That is, assuming that he makes it on time for the eating contest

If you had red hair and an anger problem, you’d be screaming the same things that I am screaming at this point in my head:

“Unlike a treadmill, you can’t just pretend to walk here.”

“Obesity is a serious epidemic in and is responsible for over 100-300 thousand deaths a year in America alone-- fat face.”

“Thar she blows! Avast ye mateys! Cast the anchors on the starboard side and ready the harpoons!”

If you have any other color of hair, and just have a genuine distaste for people, these are also things that you would be screaming in your head.

But do you ever stop and wonder if maybe you ARE actually saying them?

I know I wonder if I do. Like the one time I was trying to order a twelve-inch oven roasted chicken breast on honey oat bread at subway, and that chick was all skimpy with the lettuce. I couldn’t help but scream “BITCH!” repeatedly in my head, and then I thought maybe I was speaking out loud. So I asked her a question that only she would know in order to see if she would respond.

It was this: “How was your day.” And it’s true, only she would know how her day went.

When I got an elaborate response about how she was tired from shoveling baby kangaroo corpses into a pizza oven at an abandoned Pizza Hut all day, I knew it was just my mind telling me that- because that is how my day went, and I was very tired.

So if you are ever wondering if you are screaming out loud (and strange stares or middle fingers aren’t an indication because they are a normal part of your life) then ask the people around you questions.

Ask them why their parent’s stopped loving them when they had another baby to love instead. Ask them why they lied about cheating in third grade on that multiplication test. Ask them where they keep their guns.

Ask them why they have to ruin your day by being so self-centered.