I recently came out of the closet to my family. It went something like this:
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| Mmm... gay demons. |
After all of the drama, anxiety, and excitement, I have decided to explain my sexuality in a way that makes more sense. Feelings of natural love for the same sex, an inability to be even remotely attracted to women, and an innate need to screw guys just isn't enough justification for some people.
Here are the real reasons why I know I'm gay:
Top Ten Reasons
Why I Know I am Gay
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| So many 'staches, so little time. |
10. I once blew out a speaker while blasting Journey alone in my house. And then I continued to play Journey with only the treble speaker working. I am not ashamed.
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| I love how Calvin Klein likes to pretend that straight guys actually buy their underwear. You're not fooling anyone, Calvin Klein, these guys can't wait to get their hands off of these ladies and onto each other. |
9. Every time I pass a male underwear aisle, I get distracted and forget everything I was supposed to do that day. Sometimes I even forget what year it is, and how long I’ve been standing there with a pair of Calvin Klein briefs hanging out of my mouth.
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| Check out InfoMania, they do a really GreAYt segment. This is that segment's logo. |
8. I have the uncanny ability to detect when “gay” is being used as an insult, from up to three miles away. “Did that guy four classrooms down the hall and two floors above us seriously just call The Office ‘gay?’ What the fuck!?”
7. I subconsciously replace feminine pronouns in songs with masculine ones. “He loves you, yea, yea, yea- He loves you yea, yea, yea.”
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| This is the gayest coffee mug I could find. |
6. I drink coffee, and I talk about how much I drink coffee. Sometimes I even talk about how much I talk about drinking coffee. So yeah, that’s pretty gay.
5. I organize things into detailed lists.
| Calvin and Hobbes made me gay. |
4. I kissed a girl and I didn’t like it, but the taste of her cherry chapstick was “okay.”
3. I just referenced Katy Perry.
2. I’m attracted to my own body wash, deodorant, and man-scents.
1. This Haiku I wrote pleases me:
Oh, Jake Gyllenhaal.
Oh, Robert Downey Junior.
Oh, Taylor Lautner.
I JUST ROFL'D SO HARD AT THE KATY PERRY REFERENCE
ReplyDeletethis is pure gold. melded into a really fashionable belt buckle.
You really are a funny person, and the ability to laugh and poke fun at your own self, especially your sexuality is just awesome.
ReplyDeleteIm extremely proud to have been present for more than one moment of these.
ReplyDeleteAmazing, this was the best post yet. Great use of visuals. I couldn't stop laughing.
ReplyDeleteA. This reminds me of the fact that you always used to say "I need to find somebody to love" and you wondered why I never picked up on the fact that you said that and never "I need to find a girlfriend" (but honestly, you should have known by then that I was clueless. . .we always shop together, I bought you Mean Girls for Christmas once, we traded pants in front of each other and you begged to keep my comfortable girl jeans, and I never once got the hint).
ReplyDeleteB. I am sorry that you 'didn't like' kissing me (for approximately .08 seconds) the one time in high school. I would say I didn't like it either, but that would be a lie. After all, I like boys too.
C. ROBERT DOWNEY JR.??! I enjoy ogling over Taylor Lautner with you, and Jake Gyllenhaal has his moments, but Robert Downey Jr.? Ew.
D. I love you and am proud of you and I'm glad we got to Skype the other night.
Wow, I can tell you really put a lot of work in on that Haiku. Awesome post.
ReplyDeleteI think the Canada mug was the best part
ReplyDeleteI love this. And I love that you blew out a speaker listening to Journey.
ReplyDeleteI enjoy the fact that you mentioned the coffee thing... I burst out laughing. I thought that was just an Eric thing to drink like 7 cups of coffee in a day... then talk about it.
This is great. I can genuinely say that, while I brag about my keen gaydar skills, I was blown away when you told facebook you'd come out to your family. After thinking about it, though, it makes sense. Of course, now I have competition for the Calvin Klien models, and we both know who's going to win that one. Damnit. Oh, and Robert Downy Jr. is a delicious mound of candy. Please keep blogging. This was awesome.
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ReplyDeleteThe best part about you being gay is that we have so much more in common now! Red wine AND Robert Downey Junior?! We might be able to have a real conversation these days. :)
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